BZRK  CASPIA PENELOPE MOSS [WIP]

[Cass]

Character Name: CASPIA PENELOPE MOSS

Age: 22

Gender: Female

Side: BZRK

Appearance:


Personality:

DA BITCH IS HERE. NAH KIDDING. I LIKE TO HIDE ALL MY EMOTIONS. BUT THEM ALL IN A LITTLE BOX. HIDE EM. NO ONE CAN SEE THEM. HAHAHAHAH I'M A CRAZY BITCH. I ONLY HAVE ONE BIOT AT THE MOMENT. MOMENT.... TIS A STRANGE WOR- YEAH ONE BIOT BITCHES. BUT IMMA GET MORE. AND HIDE ALL THE EMOTIONS IN THE LITTLE BOX THEN PUT THAT BOX IN ANOTHER BOX. THEN THAT ONE IN ANOTHER BOX. THEY CAN NEVER ESCAPE.

History:

HIDE ALL THE EMOTIONS. THE BOX IS EVERYTHING.STOPS ME FROM GOING INSANE. I CAN'T HAVE MY EMOTIONS OTHERWISE I WILL LOSE IT AND GO TO THE BRIcK. NOPE AIN'T GOING TO HAPPEN. THIS ONE TIME I PUT THEM ALL IN A BOX,THEN ANOTHER ONE,THEN ANOTHER ONE, THEN FINALLY I PUT IT IN A FIRE. THEN I WENT ALL LOOPY AND TRIED TO GET IT BACK AND BURNT MY HANDS. NOW I'M COVERED IN SCARS AND SHIT.

Comment/Other:COLOURS
Talking
Deep Thought
Other
Doing
Hearing

LYRICS- SHAKE IT OUT -- By FLORENCE AND THE MACHINES

[Cass]

( C A S P I A P E N E L O P E M O S S )

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way,
I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

( A G E ) Twenty-Two
( G E N D E R ) Female
( S I D E ) BZRK

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn
And I've been a fool and I've been blind

My mother use to call me a piece of art, delicate and fine, crafted from the hand of god, so that my features fit perfectly in between my mothers and fathers. She called me gods gift, precious and fragile, there was no hint of strength in each of her words. She believed I was weak. My mind was so, it slowly spinned in the forever turning circle that left me locked and trapped in a world that did not staisfy me, there was nothing for me to see except for the same old same old. My mind needs more than just the simple things in life. I need it to prove I'm not week to my mummy, I need it to keep me sane.

When I was younger I would often stand outside for hours before dawn just to see the first rays of light hit the sky. I would always wait to see that light; Ifd always stand there in my tattered pyjamas, and watch and wait for the light of the new day to come. I would always hope that that light would bring along with it a new life. Ifve always hoped for a new beginning, a new family and friends. But then every morning the sun would rise, and I would always be left there standing, with all my hope still wound up in my chest, still believing that one day it would all change.

But then I would be snapped back into reality by the sound of an awaking household. When the new day begins I start off with hope, but as that hops dies with the other flakes that I have lost Ifm thrown into world that I despise and want nothing of. But slowly ever so slowly my parents are dragging me into there lives. They are slowly brain-washing me into believing something I am fighting not to be. I canft escape. Like the ropes of a ship my life is like a tangled web, for a few days those ropes are so neat, and orderly, then when everything is starting to go well, and youfre having fun, a strong breeze comes and destroys everything, because you are never allowed to have that happiness. No matter how many times you lay out those ropes and redo them the wind will never grant you joy, or the time to relax. Why should it?

When you finally believe you have tamed the wind and the ropes, the ropes become frail and worn this and weak. Then eventually when you have stretched it too far it will snap. Then you are stuck. You have no escape. You have nowhere to run or turn, ad the wind knows this so you have to hide, but no matter where you hide you canft. Eventually it finds you and when it does you panic, you try to fight it , but you know that it is better then you, it is stronger and more powerful and no matter what you do you can never get away. Because as they always say Ifm weak, and they can do what they want with me. I am their daughter I must follow. Ifm stuck. Ifm worse then the man running from the wind. That man has more hope than me. Ifm like the rope.

A toy doomed to break under pressure. It is what my parents made me. And so very slowly my mind has begun to wonder from me, like a long forgotten toy, that every once in a while you remember, or that name that always escapes you. My mind has begun to float and drift away from the presence of my body just like everything. And just like everything it leaves, nothing stays for long enough to leave an imprint upon my mind. Nothing is to special or delicate to stay and be harboured down in the depths of my soul where only I can find it. Itfs is all too lost. Long forgotten gone. Buried below the surface, hidden from my view and grasp.

Just like my mind everything seems to be melding into one, the skinny figure that I am is becoming the same as a gaping whole that never seems to fill, as I think as I remeber it all just slips and falls. The once brown eyes that had held so much life, love and joy have become so very distant and uncaring, but I still see them just as they were. Maybe this has become all I am, I have become so lost that when I see myself I see nothing and when I see my biots I see a stranger. Shadows of what I use to be

Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues strong
But it's always darkest before the dawn
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

My mind is like a shell laying on a beach. For maybe a few days you feel safe in the knowledge that the crashing waves of sanity are away, as if the water wonft reach you and you can keep safe and sound knowing that you are free. But then that big wave comes and scoops you up, because you are weak, you have nothing, and nothing you can do will stop it. It pulls you back under, and you are dragged to the bottom of the god damned ocean where no one can find you, where it is dark and black and you lose ever part of yourself, because your mind is lost in that big expanse. It has no escape. It is stuck and it will be down in that deep depth for ever more, just like my mind. Ifm lost.

Fragile me lost her mind, they all say it. I see the way they look at me. With their know-it-all eyes, the way they peer at my body. The thin scraggly legs and arms. The prominent bones and dirty skin. They try not to stare, but it is hard not to stare at me. But then again I donft really notice the haughty looks, the disgust on their faces, all I see are people, no emotions just looks. Are they all alive? How can they be alive? They canft be dead they walk, but they canft be alive they show nothing, but the skeleton of a human. They donft believe in me. Hehe, how can they?

I think the only part of me that I really take care of is my hair. I guess every person has to have a habit, something that gives them a resemblance of normality. My hair the glowing light on top of my head that shines and feels as though I have hope to escape the pain that is this life, and all my horrid thoughts of him is my escape. Although it is a tangled mess of my life that sits on my head I care for it. I comb it daily I use it to forget for just a moment about my life, that plagues my every thought and move, but when I spend the time I do on my brown strands I feel that for a moment I am that sea shell on the shore, and I am free. I am not below the depths of the ocean. I am happy.

A long time ago I was told the soft lie that life isnft difficult, that dreams are meant to come at your will and hope and magic is wrapped around us, just as long as you know where to look. I find myself searching for it, I look behind me and in every nook and cranny I see, but I have never thought of looking forward, the temptation to do saw has always been resisted by the undying urge of fear. There is never any good with looking forward in the tangled web that is my life. In this place there are only nightmares and to see further on brings them closer and makes it seem all so much more real. So I stay buried in the past that is me, and in the present that brings new horrors, because it is always better than the future.

My life has always been short of enjoyable. Yes most peoples are, but at least in most of their lives they get that joy, or that smile that makes there day, or the gift that makes their world spin, or a kiss that leaves them breathless. Not many have been pushed to the boundaries of insanity in the short twenty two years that I have been alive. Not many can say that they have faced the rules and borders of a whole world that I have faced, a place that leaves you drifting further and further from who you are. Well that is my life summed up in just a few simple words. That is all it has ever been. No wonder I am so messed up.

I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way,
I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around
And our love is pastured such a mournful sound

Most say that there childhood is laced with love and attention. But mine was not. My parents were cruel and heartless, they had no concern with my feelings and wants, they did not want and care for me, they just saw me as something that they could have and could make do their will. It was one of the reasons why Bzrk wasnft just insanity, it was like a home. But slowly just like them all it made me go crazy, the things I saw, the things I had seen were not normal and they didnft leave you, they stayed buried in the back of your mind, thrown at you when you were at your weakest. And slowly my well-kept trendils of self-control that I clutched diminished into no more than fragile bearings, easily destroyed.

And as the insanity sets into the very depth of my soul I find that who I am is no longer what I want, the person I am becoming is not the person I once was. The days of sitting in a room and reading the rules, the days of sitting with my parents as they teased me and feed me sweet lies are all there, but the times in which I was me are slowly disappearing the ache of my lost heart grows in my with each passing day, but Ifm slowly beginning to forget what that ache means. Slowly that ache is becoming something familiar, my only resemblance to anything stable and strong in my life. As everything spirals into the depths of the unknown all I have left it that pain. And I will cherish it.

All the hours in the house have let nonsense of realisation sink in, the world that surrounds me is much unlike my own, I dreamed of happiness and joy in mine, but the real world is not so. The days that I have spent trapped in isolation so far from even myself, those were the time I felt so lonely, I felt as if I was stuck in a place where not even my frail mind could save me. And still the days wear on, and my tiredness of my life sinks in deeper, and I still hide and run away from the door that would be my escape, death.

My life is a continuous circle, reading, listening doing as I am told, never doing what I want to do, because life never goes the way you want it to. Life is never meant for happiness, or joy, or dreams to be fulfilled. It is only meant for pain. Insanity is what this is all about and my mind continues its spiral into the deepest part of my soul and when my soul breaks free and runs my mind will go with it. It seems that I am destined to run. But running is not what I do. I will just have to fall, and wait for somebody to catch me.

All my life I have never been wanted, but insanity has opened its arms for me.

I'm drowning in this place that we call a world, I am slowly dying and there is nothing any of you can do about it. I am dying. I don't care, it will be my escape my freedom, and that box that holds all my emotions that box that holds everything that is and was me will stay. I don't need it, I don't want it, without it I will be happy. I may stay with Bzrk, I may be fighting for freedom, escape and joy, but I will never get that. As long as my soul is searching for its rightful home I will never live. This world will never be my home, merely calling it my home does not satisfy my deisre to feel one. I will never have one, I know I won't, because my soul is looking with its eyes closed, you can't see, it can't see. It will forever roam lost and uncertain and I will forever more be lost.

I'm dying and no one can save me.

[/justify][/size]

I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back

( F A C E C L A I M ) Emma Watson
( L Y R I C S ) Shake it out by Florence and the Machines
( O T H E R ) First Character on the Site!

So shake him off, oh woah
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a final mess but it's left me so empty
It's always darkest before the dawn
Oh woah, oh woah...

[Cass]

I guess I can accept it myself? Right? Cause like I'm the only person on here, so yeah, first character of the site! woot! >:D