Cass' Writing.

[Cass]

So I like writing. Writing is good. I'll just chuck my odds and ends here, for y'all to see ^^

1. Haff Ferde -- Farewell.
2. Kraken Libertine -- Goodbye my sister.
3. Marina Goravich -- Lost with no salvation.
4. Hiding Behind Myself.
5. Aelia Charis Vanderwell -- Sea of Sin.

[Cass]

Hmmm woah yea...
I feel these four walls closing in
My face up against the glass
I'm looking out... hmm
Is this my life I'm wondering

Useless

The word floated over the sand, it crossed the spot where the boy stood before settling around him and holding him. It wrapped itself around him. That was what he was. Haff Ferde was useless. A sense of defeat crept into each of his movements. There was no sign of the boy who had smiled not so long ago - no sign of the boy who had cared for the sickest of horses, never giving up on them. That boy was gone. He had been defeated.

All Haff felt was pain, but it was not pain from the injuries. It was not the pain of physical weakness. It was all inside. It burned like fire consuming all he was from the outside, boring within. He hurt so much. The dark pain swirled within his chest, it crashed through him, dragging it down through to the very depth of who he was and strangling him until he gave in. Until he gave up. Everyone wanted him dead. The mutt he had stabbed at had fallen back, and Haff allowed himself to sink to the floor. His feet slipped slowly into the soft, golden sand.

His hand raced over the small crystal like objects that hid so many terrors. The trident that hung from his grip was weak, and he let it fall to the floor as he turned his eyes to the two crabs in front of him. They were monsters, strong and well built. Large pincers protruded from their sides, and small claw-like legs stuck out from the edge of their hard rimmed shells. Their hard shells glittered in the soft light of the sun. His shining orb. But it was not the same bright light that he had wished on all his life. No, it was not the very sun that he had watched rise every morning, of his life. It was not the same one as he had placed his hope in. This sun was fake.Still he turned his eyes away from his prison to look up at it.

It glared back at him, it cared nothing for him just like them all. The people he called his family were at home probably watching this, watching Haff die, he was dying and he was so scared. The pain in his chest tightened. He was lost. He was stuck. He had nothing and no one and least of all he had no reason to fight. He had given up, he had thrown away the false hope he had clung to. With shaky hands he chucked the trident onto the ground beside him. He watched as the sand wrapped itself around the shiny metal, and is eyes followed it. Without his trident he had no life line, without that weapon he would die. He would let death come.

[/justify][/blockquote]

It happened so fast
How do I turn this thing around
Is this the bed I chose to make
Its greener pastures I'm thinking about hmm
Wide open spaces far away

Back home Haff would normally wake up. He would then watch the sunrise and every day he would hope that the illness that held onto him would leave. He would throw everything he had into that wish, so that for once he could be normal, and the people that call themselves his family would see him as a person. But it never happened. And day after day that hope faded and he was left to work. He cleaned each and every single horse, their stalls and everything. He did everything for his family, he protected them and helped them in every way that he could. He cared for the sick, he made sure they were all perfect. He knew those animals better than anyone.

Yet he found himself forgetting them, letting them slide from his mind as he slide further into the warm sand. All he could feel was a deep burning agony in his body. A tear slid down his cheek, and soon others followed. Haff hadn’t let himself think of anything, but the boy felt so deeply betrayed. Everyone in his life had always left him, abandoned him at the times he needed them most. His parents had ignored him; his siblings had pretended he never existed. Chole had gotten herself killed. And finally… Nonnie. To be honest out of everyone, she had hurt him the most. He had known the girl for so little, but he had trusted her. Haff didn’t place trust in many, but he had given her everything.

She had left him. Where was she now while Haff bleed to death? Where was she when her ally, one of the only people who had understood her and knew what she was going through, now? Now all Haff had was pain and memories of everyone in his life, but those memories were all stained with bad, there was no good in them, there was nothing kind about the people who had raised him, or in this hell hole that he know died in. He had let himself trust Chole and Nonnie, he had truly felt something for those two, and he had felt as if they had understood him. Nonnie was the reason why Haff was all alone. Nonnie was the reason why he had given up. She had been the final straw, her hurt had been what had pushed him over, Haff would never trust anyone else. He would never have the opportunity to.

Until the games Haff had never placed trust in a human being. Trust wasn’t something that Haff gave. People were cruel. They treated you like a friend, and then when you were at you weakest they ripped you apart. They didn’t care. They did it all to save their own skin. And for a little while with Nonnie Haff had believed that he wasn’t useless, with Chole he had believed he was strong and with Lethe he had even thought that he was no longer sick. He had believed that he was strong, and that he could fight, because he had had people beside him who wanted to fight with them. In the training centre they had become his friends, the only people in his life that he had ever cared for. Then they disappeared and left him all alone.

[/justify][/blockquote]

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but, not feel scared
Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind
I'll run free too

A sob escaped his lips as he placed his hands on the sand. Everything was shaking. And slowly Haff let the pain in him swallow him and he leans back against the tree and cries. He looks over at the mutts. His shoulders were slumped in defeat. This was a defeated boy. His hand fumbled on the bracelet at his wrist, and he tugged it off. It was made from one of his horses at home. Gently he reached forward and puts it in front of the mutt. He didn’t want it. It was fall of the tainted hope he so desperately tried to rid himself of. He didn’t want it because it reminded him of everything that caused him pain. He didn’t want to have hope. Then the other mutt leapt at him, and Haff had no time to react. And suddenly there was a great pain in his head.

A pain filled scream escaped his lips, and his hand moved sharply to his head. And he screamed again, as another stab of pain raceed through his body, overpowering his agony, overpowering the betrayal. The boy had never felt such pain, and it ripped into him, it raced through him, and made the tears flow. It hurt. It hurt so much. He had never felt such pain. He never thought he would deserve such pain, but it was there and it was so very real. His hand shook as he moved gently away from his ear. His other arm slipped and he tumbled into the sand, and he let it wrap itself around him and swallow him. Because there was so much blood, shiny and slick on his hand. And the pain, oh the pain.

He squeezed his eyes shut tight, as the tears fell, he desperately tried to fight down the pain, but it was ripping into him, and he screamed again and again, because there was nothing worse than what he felt. His head throbbed, and the blood raceed down his face, and fell to the floor in a giant puddle, it fell quicker than he had. His hand fumbled over his ear, trying to stop the blood, but he lets out another scream as his finger grazed over the wound. Bloody finger come back, and he closed his eyes tight. And Haff cries. Because he had no hope. And without hope you may as well be dead.

His feet slipped on the sand as he pushed himself up and away from the soft sand. His body shaked with fear, he was scared. He was all alone and scared. Haff had never been in such a situation. He had spent many days in the barn by himself, but he had always had the presence of the horses, but here he was all alone. There was no one, but himself, and Haff couldn’t look after himself. He never had. He was a boy of dreams and hope, a boy who stood and watched the sun rising each and every morning. He couldn’t care for himself or protect himself, he knew nothing. He had always had the horses to protect him. Fear was so real right now, and it gazed down at him, and it fills him quicker than the pain, because surely this much blood is not good, because surely there can be something else then the darkness that creped along his vision.

[/justify][/blockquote]

Wish I could recklessly love, like I'm longing to
Run with the wild horses, run with the wild horses!
Oh yeah yea
I see the girl I wanna be
Riding bare back, care free along the shore

He staggered away from the crabs his feet slipping and sliding along the sand. He left the trident behind, enfolded in the grasp of the sand. He left behind the bracelet. Without the bracelet the least bit of hope in his body was gone, and everything seemed to crash down on him. He was useless. He was nothing. Haff couldn’t even stop a little crab. Haff could do nothing. Maybe Nonnie had the right idea, ditching him. Maybe he would have weighed her down, because this boy was a nobody and nothing. He couldn’t help anyone let alone himself. Each step caused new tears to spill; each step caused a gasp of pain to escape his lips. The world spun around the boy, in little circles as well as big. They never stopped. Neither did the pain.

He didn’t know where he was going he just had to get away, he just had to run away from that place, from the weapon and the bracelet, because without those two things he had nothing to hold onto and he could be free. But he had the pain, he tried to fight it, he tried to push it away, but it grabbed him, it seized his body, and he cried out and fell to the ground. His knees landed hard on the sand, but it was nothing compared to the raging pain in his skull. His breathing came out ragged, as it strangled him.

You’re useless…

He believed it, he truly believed the words that continued to drift through the air. There was only fear in his mind, there was nothing else, he tried to fight it and be strong just as the horses that he lives with were. Whenever they were scared they were brave, they fought and were strong, they never gave in. They were not Haff. They were better than him. To his family they weren’t useless, they had a worth, without the horses his family would be poor, without Haff they would live. They didn’t need him. Haff knew it. But Haff was not a boy to simply give up – if he was a boy who gave up, why would he be here now? Would he have not gotten himself killed in the bloodbath? Or maybe in the fight that killed Chole? He just didn’t let his life slip through his fingers, it was him, he might be a nobody, he might be nothing, but he was strong. He might believe that he was useless, but he wouldn’t let the rest of the world see it. Haff was like the horses when they were scared they never showed their fear. Haff knew he was useless, but he wouldn’t show them all. He couldn’t. It was his last act in life. He wanted them to all see, that he wasn’t pathetic, that he was worth it. That he had stood a chance.

Most of all Haff wanted to tell them all how life had been for him, how the only things that had kept him strong were the horses. He wanted the rest of the world to see what he saw, feel how he did.He needed them to understand. He couldn’t go and be forgotten, just like his life. Haff was special and he had to tell them all. “I-I live…” The words slipped over his tongue. He wasn’t sure if he had actually said the same words he had formed in his head. He frowned slightly taking a deep breath. He was trying to concentrate; he wanted them to all hear this. They needed to know who he was, he had never told anyone, he had never spoken as much as he was about to, he didn’t even know if he could talk that much, but he had to try. He was not useless

[/justify][/blockquote]

If only that someone was me
Jumping head first headlong without a thought
To act and damn the consequence
How I wish it could be that easy
But fear surrounds me like a fence

”On a very big land, but not as big as this place, no this place beats it in size.” He looked around the place the tall trees, flowing leaves and golden sand. Yes this place was bigger, so very much bigger. “But it’s not home…” He whispers as he leaned against the trunk of a curved tree, it was alien to him, just as the rest of this world. None of it was home; none of it was familiar and comforting. It was what made death much scarier, he had nothing and no one in this world except for himself. He knew the world around him was slowly, fading from his grasp reality and his dreams were blending together, but he wasn’t ready, not yet at least. He couldn’t let it take him, no. Death could not yet hold him. Haff had so much to say.

”My names Haff Ferde. My parents named me after the breed of horse called the Haflinger, they are beautiful chestnut horses. They are perhaps one of the kindest natured horses you could ever meet… I-I would… Would often wonder why my parents named me after such an elegant breed, but it isn’t the breed that makes a horse. It is the person who raises it and trains it.” His voice was steady and strong, unusual for the reserved boy. He looked high into the sky searching for anyone, any sign of the people who would be watching him. They all remained hidden. “That’s what I do. I make the horses who they are. Those horses that I have spent my life with have made me who I am. When I was lost… When I had no one, I had them… They protected me, they kept me going and keeping me strong. Without them I would already be dead.”

”But none of you know… None of you know the truth of what those horses really did. They weren’t just my life line… They kept the hope in me alive; they gave me a reason to live… They were everything I had; they made my life worth living. They made every day bearable… They never asked for anything, they did it because I helped them, they were all I had and now they are gone…”Haff wanted to be able to face this fear that gripped him, the death that crept along his body and stopped him from moving. He took a deep breath that caused him to cry out in pain, has a searing stab of agony raced through his body. He didn’t want to be scared. Shakily he moves his hand to his ear, it comes back slick with blood. There was just too much blood to even hope for him to live. Haff let out a heavy sigh.

She was there. Her soft hairs glowed gently in the light. She was a pale grey beautiful, the most beautiful horse Haff had ever seen. It was Haff’s horse, Anima. A long time ago Haff had saved Anima, she had fallen deathly ill and his father had wanted to put her down, kill her with a gun, ending her life. Haff was not one to let a horse die. So he stayed up for two weeks day and night with the young mare, feeding her, caring for her and brining her slowly back to health. From the day she had begun to walk again on shaky legs Haff had never let her go. She was the most precious thing he had. To him Anima was his family, she was his sister. Anima was the reason Haff had fought, Anima was the reason he had continued to fight every day of his life. He wished with all his heart she was here with him, but he wanted to see her safe and sound, not in this cage where she would only find fear and pain. A place where not even your worst nightmares can compare to the horror. No she could not be here.

[/justify][/blockquote]

I wanna break free
All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but, not feel scared
Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind

”Anima?” He called softly turning his head left and right, the grey mare danced in and out of his vision healthier then the day he had found her, healthier than he had ever seen her. He smiled, he had kept her alive, she had in turn kept him alive. “You here to take me home, girl?” He asked looking at her as she stops in front of him. She whinnied softly as if in answer to his question brushing her muzzle against his face. “I think it’s time I went home…” His eyes dance over the trees, the golden sand and the blazing blue sky above him, this had not been his home, it had been nothing, but a prison. “Home is the place where you are most happiest.” He said softly, he closed his eyes tight and let the world around him float away.

His hands fumbled over Anima’s mane has he tugged himself onto her back. This was the place where he was the most happiest, with his horses, this was his home, it always had been. Anima walked forwards, heading away from the boy who sat slumped against the tree. Away from the boy who let out a final sigh. She walked with the by on her back and she carried him to the place where he was happiest. A world where all he would have would be help, a place where he could be himself and a place where Haff Ferde was not useless. He was going home, the place he had searched for all his life, he had finally found it in death.

The canon fired into the air and both the grey mare and the boy with the heart of gold disappeared.

[/justify][/blockquote]

I wanna run with the wild horses, run with the wild horses!
I wanna run too
Breaklessly abandoning myself before you
I wanna open up my heart tell him how I feel
I wanna run with the wild horses

[Cass]

KRAKEN LIBERTINE.

This is not the end
Lived unbruised, we are friends
And I'm sorry
I'm sorry
Sigh no more, no more

You go around in life, thinking and believing that you are the best, you hide all your emotions and beliefs, just because it is what others expect of you, it was what I did, it has always been what I have done. I don’t show who I am, I don’t tell them all what I can do, because I can’t. They see me, I see me as someone who is strong and unbreakable, tough and undefeatable. But shit can change and it did, it changes only when you are hit the hardest, the time in which you aren’t expecting it and it hurts because you are supposed to expect everything, because it is you and it is what everyone sees.

The pain that blazes through my chest is so unexpected that I fall, my knees buckle beneath me and they collide into the uneven ground, where I gasp and breath, but no air seems to fill my desperate lungs so I try harder, to breathe this air, this stuffy air but no matter how hard I try it can’t reach me, as if a bubble has surrounded me sucking out all the air and life alike. I was lucky there was no one in my room to see me, I wouldn’t be able to bear the thought of them eyeing me with that look of sympathy, understanding and compassion.

None of them knew me, none of them saw what I saw, they didn’t understand how I fought the world around me to be different and misunderstood. I believe that I am like a fire that rages through the district I live un unpredictable and strong, there is nothing holding me back and stopping me, and yet there is always those who fight me, or that long ditch that my flames cannot jump and I am sent staggering the other way running for miles, searching and seeking for some way to let me through, because I was stuck and drowning in that world and now I am. I am drowning in my pain, pain that I thought I would never feel.

It consumes me, boring from the outside, deep within to my very being, because she is dead. Penelope, my dear sister gone. The flash of Starks silver blade as it connects with Penelope’s eye and then the pain in my body as a wildfire is set through my chest and races through the length of my arms to the tips of my toes, the floor as I collapse and the disbelief at what I have just seen. Because my sister was dead, my dear sister was dead. And I missed her. Such words I never thought I would think, but it was so true, I missed her, she was my sister and now she was gone.

- - -

“You’re doing it wrong.” I said with a smile, it was one of the rare smiles that only my sisters could draw from me. A smile that I never seemed to mind showing, no matter how much I hated myself for being weak and plastering some ridiculous smile on my face. Smiling was a curse and it made people happy, there was no point in it, but my sisters made me smile.

[/s][/color] My sisters could make me relax and right now as I stood in front of Penelope as she held tightly onto a sword I smiled and for a moment I was happy with who I was. “It works better if you lower your grip, just a touch.” I nodded towards her hands, which were placed a fraction too high. I gripped the swords in my hands and angled it to show her the right position; the grips were almost identical except for my hands being slightly lower.

- - -

I always remembered the times I spent showing them my tricks and in turn my sisters showing me what they could do. To be honest I rarely spent time with my family, I preferred the shop and the solitude it gave me and when I wasn’t there I was training smashing in each dummy and clawing my way to the top of the class, where no one could best me, because I was the best. But time passed and slowly I had spent more time with my sisters, pointedly ignoring my brothers. I would always help Nessie aiding her with her weapons training, I would always watch Penelope, and she was perfect in everything she did. She needed no guidance, she didn’t need any help, it was Penelope and right now the pain in my chest was because of her. It was a pain that I could not understand.

I remember the days when I use to talk to her or ignore her, but she was always there, drowning in her mind and the fire that was her. There was no longer that fire, for it had died as the life fled her. But I could see her climbing into the sky and into the world above, maybe she would drown there once more, or maybe she would be free and happy and away from the senseless world that was her mind. But all I knew was that when I looked up into the sky that night I would see her. The stars would litter my world and I knew that they would be there for me to follow.

My hand moves silently to my face and I even surprise myself with removing it to find tears slick on my face. Tears for her. Tears for my dead sister, tears for the girl who drowned in life. I missed her.

Breath


The world spun around me as I sucked in a breath, small stars danced their way across my vision and I looked up, I gazed back up at the television in front of me, small figures moved across the screen, red stained the floor, people screamed an ran, moving past the limp body on the floor while I silently begged for her return. The dark corners of my room begged me to join them where I could stay hidden, where no one could see me and the tears that fell. The pain that I felt was new and it hurt, I hated it. But as I dared a final glance at the television I couldn’t miss the sight of my sister lying on the floor. I couldn’t miss the sight of the kids fighting around her as she died. I could see the blood drip from her face and I stared at the girl who had done it, Stark Harper.

And a hate built in me, mixed with the ancient feelings of grief, pain and anger and I stood up. My eyes blazed with my pain as I glared at the girl, the career tribute that had killed my sister.

And I knew what I wanted, revenge.[/blockquote][/justify][/size]

One foot in sea and one on shore
My heart was never pure
And you know me
You know me
Sigh no more, no more

[Cass]

Marina Goravich`

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces .

Slowly I sink deeper and deeper into the depths of my pain, and I let it consume me, because for now it is all I have to cling to, and for now it is the only thing keeping me from breaking. Such a fragile girl I am, just a light push and I would break. I am weaker than a china doll, or a flower hanging preciously from a tree. My pain wraps itself around my very soul, clinging to my very being, with such a pressure that I cry, I cry day and night. I often wake up with a face streaked with tears. There is no respite to the never ending ache that swallows me, my soul cannot escape it, so therefore I cannot run and be free from the despair that holds me prisoner.

A long time ago this pain would have been my pleasure; this pain would have earned a smile from my pale white lips. This pain would have been my friend, and you would have seen the dying light in my eyes spark with renewed hope, and the wish to continue to fight against the chains that hold me. But now… But now there is no hope, there is no light during the day, and not even a cloudless sky draws a smile from my lips. There is no joy in this life that I live. Was there ever joy in my life? I can never play upon the memories that made me smile, they drift from my mind like a rock sinking below the surface of the water, sinking and sinking sinkingsinkingsinking disappearing to the deep dark depths of my lost mind.

There is no joy in my life, and the only sanity that I grasp now slips between my very fingers, and I watch it fall, I watch it tumble from my grasp, because there is nothing I can do to stop it from sliding through my fingers. There is no Kofa to keep my strong, she is no longer here to aid me in my fight for sanity, she is no longer protecting me from my nightmares, or stoping the painful fits that attack me with such strength I can do nothing, but curl myself into a ball and lei there hoping for nothing, but death. Then when it is over and the agony has lifted from my mind I cry, because Kofa is no longer there, because I no longer have my friend, a part of me there to protect me.

But then I remember she is with Klaus and I curse myself for my selfishness. But I can do nothing, but beg for her return. She is all I have. She is all that stops me from sliding into the dark depths of my lost mind, and losing myself to the horrid world around me and the person that I am. Because without her I am nothing. I am nothing but a frail girl that is doomed to insanity. I am nothing, but a girl who is all, but dead.Why am I alive? My eyes slide over the table I sat at. A thick layer of grime covered the bench, just like everything in this hell whole. It was all dirty; it was all dead or dying just like me. I choke back a sob, The swirling darkness of pain in me threatened to break once more.Oh Kofa, Kofa! I scream through the agony.

Kofa does not come to my aid. And a single tear slides down my cheek, it burns so unlike the dying fire in my body, because that fire only holds death, but this one brings with it the pain and agony of everything that is real in my life. There is no fake hope in the pain, but only crushed dreams and the stuff of nightmares. There is no way to escape the pain that drains the very energy from my body, it soaks it from me like a sponge and leaves me more tired and drained every waking moment. But I don’t not fear the death that is coming. For I can see it ahead in the light of every passing day, I can see it as each morning starts off more slowly, and darker. But it does not scare me. In fact I open it with welcoming arms. For it will be my saviour.

My hand gently runs over the dirt, drawing swirly patterns in the tainted table, the dirt clings to my pale skin, it looks as if my skin as be stained. Stained by my ruined life and the terrors that are all that it is. My eyes never leave my hand, I never leave the swirling motion of my fingers. Because there is hope in searching, and looking away from myself. To look would be to give myself hope, but I do not seek hope, for hope is tainted and nothing but a false joy. Hope brings nothing, but greater pain and sorrow. I can’t handle any more pain, I can’t handle anymore regret and guilt, for my life is consumed by it. So hope is not the answer to my questions. Hope is not what I need. Nothing lives when there is hope. Nothing good comes from hope. Hope is fake.

My hand begins to shake, and I bring it back to my lap, the skin is so pale, and I can imagine the veins snaking their way up my skin, I can feel the pain pouring through them. I can see the agony racing through them; it’s there right in front of me. I left my arm up and stare at it. I stare it it long and hard until I can imagine it. And I scream. I start screaming. Because in my eyes my veins are alive, they are alive like the very snakes in life, but these snakes don’t bite, they strangle me, because all I have left is my sanity and slowly that escapes me.

So I scream some more.

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
'Coz she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks
no it don't break even, even no.

[Cass]

HIDING BEHIND MYSELF.

Heartbeats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone

You stand tall in your darkest times, you hold your head up high and hope that you will make it through this, that hope keeps you strong and gives you the strength that you need to fight and win the battle that rages on around you. I always thought that everyone was just stupid, they fight when they have no chance in winning. The idea of fighting a losing battle has always puzzled me, and I have come up with the assumption that they do it because they are stubborn. They just don’t want to give in, because their pride holds them and no matter what you say, no matter what you do, it will keep them standing. Pride is a horrid thing, it allows to many mistakes in a world that is already drowning in them.

No one learns from these errors, they are continuously made and made and made. It is like a continuous circle that leaves me breathless and gasping, I can see these mistakes, I can see these errors and it continues to astound me with the way that they –everyone- keep making them. They have no regard for the results of these mistakes, and even when the people before them have made them and told them, they go and do it. They jump off of that cliff, they dive into those icy waters, even after you have told them the sharks swim there, they still do it. It as if they hope that the sharks won’t bit them, it was as if they thought, because it is them they won’t make that mistake. But they all do.

In my mind I see nothing, but an endless, tunnel and at the end of that tunnel there is no light, so I wonder if I am really seeing who I am or am I just seeing me. It is not odd that I stare into the mirror and I feel like an alien, and just like an alien I hold my breath and hope that no one has seen me and hope that the person staring back at me in the mirror isn’t looking at me, because that cannot surely be me? But as I will myself to raise a hand so does the person staring at me. It is not an uncommon thing for me to feel this way, my body, me, it isn’t really me. I feel like a parasite, something that shouldn’t be there. I feel rude and intrusive touching the pale skin of myself, but it is me.

All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow
One step closer
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years

Mistakes are not something I make, I don’t believe the body I am in and the person who I think I am are the same. Mistakes don’t entwine themselves with me, they can’t, I barely know myself, the person that I am loathes it when people make mistakes, but it appears that I have made the mistake of being in the wrong body, the wrong person. I thought I didn’t make mistakes, but perhaps this is the biggest mistake of all: Not knowing who you truly are. It is a sensation that I can’t explain, words no matter how many feelings, adjectives and thoughts there are, no matter who you are or what you believe, unless you have experienced what I have then you can’t say that there is something, that there are words to describe the feeling of looking down at yourself as if you are a foreign being, or matter.

That sensation… No. You can’t describe the feeling of being split from your own body, feeling as though when you touch your face or look into your own eyes, that they aren’t really yours. My mind beckons me and presents me with ideas as to why I feel this why, but it is always the same. It yells at me and I cringe, the buried thought that this isn’t really my mind stays with me as I listen to its rants as I feel the way it clings to me and mixes with my soul. I am positive that it is my soul; it is the only thing I am sure of. It screams the words of a madman it tells me what I don’t want to hear, crazy, insane and mad. It was like the way words seemed to flow from your fingers as you type and as you escape into the world of fantasy, except in my world I woke up and I still had that unnatural feeling and all my mind did was strengthen it and patronise me with ideas that I feared.

[/b][/color]

Slowly I have begun to allow the easy escape of insanity to surround me. It is easy, it is easy to just let insanity to take me, it is an excuse to who I am. Not a day goes by when I wish I could feel like a person, a real person, someone who does not have to imagine what it is like to be one, not separate from heart and soul.

At least when insanity has claimed me I know I will be free.[/blockquote][/justify][/size]

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me

[Cass]

AELIA CHARIS VANDERWELL.

All alone,
It was always there you see.
And even on my own,
It was always standing next to me.
I can see it coming from the edge of the room.

Slowly I sink deeper and deeper into the depths of my mind and I let the folds of insanity press down onto me, suffocating me and making breathing all that more harder to do. It wraps itself around each and every cell in my brain and it holds tight, tighter then a python as it grabs its prey and tighter then the kraken as it tears a boat to bits, devouring everything and everyone on it and doesn’t let me go. Like the lone sailor at sea I am lost, and have nowhere to turn, everything looks the same, nothing is all I have. Like a ship as it hits a reef, I sink below the surface of the black waters and a forgotten world embraces me in its icy arms, even though my mind falls I still stand in the real world. I stand on shattered legs that struggle to carry me through a day’s work and threaten to give with each morning as I press the weight of the world onto my feet. My mind that is more fragile than a leaf is all that I have left to keep me thinking and moving each day and even though it is the source of my insanity, it is my only escape from it. Sometimes I wonder why I still stand, for there is nothing that keeps me going.

My mind has already lost its battle, it has folded to insanity, even when I have respites from its grasp, they seem to grow shorter and shorter as it takes complete hold of me. And my soul follows slowly, it twirls in elegant circles floating into the great depths of a mind where it will be lost and washed out to sea by the rising tide, there no one will be able to find it and I will truly be gone. I watch it do this, every day I peer into my own eyes and into my own mind, where no one should travel and if you ever do you will get lost, the twist and tunnels that make it up forbid entry and exit is impossible. I have no energy to stop its long tumble, to stop it from falling would be to fight and use the precious little energy that I have to throw myself at that giant wave and watch it crash over me, killing me and dragging me down to the deep depths of the ocean where my heart and soul are, and where no one not even Him we be able to find me. So I do not fight it, because fighting is not what I do.

When I look into the world that I believe to be real all I see is the fight of my mind, I see the long marks of a tiresome battle and the visions of the real slowly became the dead and the dead become the real. In my mind the living have ceased to breath, the dead taking up that air and rising from their graves to greet me and join me in my fail to fight insanity. They all look the same, the dead and living, there is nothing different about them. When I take but a moment to gaze down at my thin stick like arms I see what they all see. A dying body, for I do not take the time any more to care for myself. Just like the dead my body deteriorates and just like the living it tries to fight it, but it is a losing battle, just like everything in this world, you always loose. The pale skin and thin body are just a few of the signs of my neglect. I often worry if they notice the prominent bones; I hide them beneath large baggy clothes, sheltering them from the elements as well as my family. They can’t know that I dream for death. Sometimes I wonder if I’m already dead. The walls of the living and real have merged in my world, the dead aren’t merely still and the living no longer breath, they are together.

As I continue my slow decent I forget who I am and let the person my parents want me to be take place. All I see is Him our saviour, my relief, my believer. But that will, those brain washing thoughts are not yet strong enough to keep me alive and functioning, they have not yet taken control of my body and everything I do, in a way I still am me. As He becomes one with me and as the dead take hold of me, I have begun to fear that I might tear, the mixing of these different worlds is leaving me weak and fragile. One day even the slightest of breezes will knock me over.The coming tide of the ocean at the end of the day is like who I am. As it rises up and plunges onto the land my mind fights, as it is dragged back and swallowed by the mass of the sea I let insanity control me. It is a dying fight; just like that tide it will always lose, the ocean is too powerful, just as the insanity is.

I gasp as my foot collides with the rock. The pain hits me like an all-consuming wave as it crashes onto people, it hits your head first and the pain as it pummels you races down your body as you twist and turn through the water, flipping this way and that was. But unlike such extreme pain, this one is easy to ignore, instead a small gasp escapes my lips. My bare foot throbs and a spare a second of my time to gaze at the bloody nail. Tiny flecks of blood have just begun to show on a nail so grim covered and dirty that it amazes me that it even manages to seep through the dirt. Lifeless eyes pass over it there is no flicker of worry or even shock at the damage to the toe. It doesn’t bother me, one less toe means one less thing to care for, one less part of me to lose. One less part of me to lose would be handy, it means that my parents wouldn’t be able to control that part of me, it would be mine. I briefly look up into the world around me, but like normal the tall pine trees, sweet chirping of a nearby bird and even the fresh smell in the air do not bring a smile to my lips. Most normal people would laugh, smile and be generally happy at the amount of life and happiness that presses down on me.

For me it is nothing, but a disease that makes each step more painful, or was that my toe? But then even if it was my toe, my hate for the world around me would tell me to hate the birds and their sweet music, the smell of freshness in the air made me sick, I missed the smell of death and decay, the smells of my wants. And not for the first time today do I wish for death.

Creeping in the streetlight
Holding my hand in the pale gloom
Can you see it coming now?
AAaaAAhhh...
I think I'm breaking down again...